"I wasn't going to lay with him at all that night, but changed my mind early that morning and laid down with him from 4 AM on. Now it makes me so sad to think that I will never feel his little arms holding me back."Some of the sweetest moments that I share with my daughter are when she rests her head on my shoulder or when she wraps her arms around me. I cannot fathom what it would be like to be without her gentle touch. When I try to put myself in Eoin's parents' place, I silently say, "No, no, no." Something inside of myself won't even let me go there. Perhaps it is self-preservation or the immense pain that would result from even imaging losing Katie.
Despite my repeated complaints about Katie to Rick every time he calls, my frustration with her is tempered. Eoin's death has me living in this moment and embracing life. Some how all my day to day worries are not with me today because in the end, they don't matter.
I have also been thinking about how his cancer and death seem so unfair. Why does it seem so shockingly unjust? I have certainly have seen so many examples of unfairness, yet it's as if I have not learned the lesson that life is not fair. I wonder if my shock is because I was raised to believe that if you lived a good life, you would be rewarded in the afterlife. Have I somehow twisted that belief to include earthly rewards or fairness. Perhaps it's the whole karma concept that stands in the way of me accepting that life is life. Sometimes it is beautiful and precious and right. Sometimes it is confusing, contradictory and unfair for reasons that I will never understand. And it is not understanding that rattles my naturally inquisitive mind. However, I am beginning to accept that life isn't black and white; two rights sometimes result in a wrong; and that perhaps we are not meant to understand.
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